• RSS
  • Delicious
  • Digg
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Linkedin

Things happen and dont happen for a reason...

Posted by sophia - - 0 comments

Im really annoyed.


There has only been one person who I can say broke my heart, and it has been years of back and fourth with this person. Trying to to learn to forgive him. But through the fast, I realized, I can forgive him without really needed to be with him or talk to him. And I haven't been happier since. 

Its not that I dont love him.. I really do. But its no fun having your heart taken advantage of and treated a way that I dont deserve. 

So right as things were going well for myself emotinally, he started to try and initiate contact with me again. And Ive had some weak moments. More than I would want. But in a nutshell, people will only change when they want to. And I really dont want to change or have someone change for me. We both have someone out there who will love us genuinly as we are right now. As we both progress in our lives, we may be able to be with eachother. But right now (as if the constant bickering, lack of consistent communication and/ understanding is enough proof allready) we cant be together. 

I really would like to just be his friend. We have changed alot over the years. Our values, our personalities, our interests. I feel like I dont even know him anymore, and that he doenst know me. We lack a dynamic chemistry. We both have the habit of wanting to emotionally capture the feelings respective to the prime of our past relationship, when we have so far deviated from our old selves. We are not the same people. And there is no point in trying to mold ourselves into someone who isnt who we are at heart.

These are all some obvious arrows pointing to why we cant and should not be together right now, or even entertain the idea.  Im loosing ways to explain this too him, and everytime I do try, he has a hyper release of testosterone and runs away. Which doesnt flow well with my emotions either. 

So Im taking each action and inaction  from him into account, and continuing to move on in my life not expecting anything from him, and not requiting any actions or respect I didnt not recieve in the first place. So in other words, I'll make a judgement on where my heart should be by observing his actions. So due to the fact that his actions are doing nothing at all to be positively emotionally stimulating, I dont feel obliged to do anything about it. :)

So enough with the rambling.

peace!

relationships

Posted by sophia - - 0 comments


So used to have this bad habit. I used to feel like I had to be in a relationship. I felt like there was some type of value in being "attached" to someone. I went through life generally unnoticed until college. I craved attention for so long, and when I got, I made the "want" become a "need".

Everytime I dated someone or got interested in someone, things fell through for whatever reason.  You think after a while I would have got the picture....

I kept doing the same thing, and expecting different results. I was dating in denial...

I learned more about relationships when I took the step to intentionally be single. During my fast, my eyes and heart opened to alot of new perspectives on dating.

Here is a scenario where my altered perception was put in action.

One week, I receive a phone call from a good friend. He tells me he met a girl at a party two weeks ago and he felt like they had a good connection. He asked her out to dinner to get to know her better. By the end of the date, he felt like they had an even better connection. They continued to do things together for the next week and a half, and thus, my friend began to pursue her , assuming that day they were starting to date. And by that next wednesday, my friend tells me, the girl said she would rather just hang out with him as a friend and does not feel the connection....

The next week thursday, this same friend says that he emails another girl he has been very close to a love note. He admitted to having a keen interest in her for quite sometime, and wanted to know if she felt the same way.  The very next day, he contacts me in a somber voice and basically says that the girl feels the same way as the last girl did. In defense and in attempt to convince her otherwise, he told her of all the things he did to show her love and appreciation and how much more he wanted to be there for her. He told me he was  "upset but not hurt".

The problem with both of these situations is the thing that makes most dating situations fall apart before they even begin. Thinking that there is some sort of signal or action flare that can go up to alert someone of a potential relationship is the BIGGEST lie we all have bought into, are buying into, or will, if you havent allready.  There has to be a foundation: true friendship.  A relationship is an intimate friendship, so it seems pretty backwards to have a relationship, then try and get to know each other later.

The second problem is having a predetermined intentions to gain a particular response of, in this case, to cater to his self interest. My friend felt like, but doing certain things, not only will he get to know the person better, but he's good deeds will add up to "brownie points", therefore, making some sort of tangible value to why that person should have interest. But, to be frank, no one can MAKE someone gain interest in another person. My friend said he even gave her money for her car note and phone bill.,,,, And the letter was to symbolize how serious he was about his feelings. Before the letter, she interpreted the actions my friend made towards her as a display of friendship, because that is what he said it was and they had a mutual understanding. He sends her this letter, and suddenly expects her to change her mind  when nothing has really changed between them... He felt like a letter would change it all. That only works in the movies.

The third big hit, is being hurt by rejection. I dealt with it before. And it was rough the first time, and I vowed never to let it happen again. It doesnt make me cold or heartless, but sensible. When you emotionally expose yourself, your are susceptible to a positive or negative response which have a equal likelihood. So its really just about accepting whatever happens. So when he said he was upset, but not hurt... i called his bluff. Him being upset showed it stirred him emotionally and being hurt showed that he internalized a negative reaction. Had he just accepted it as a simple outcome, it would sever the possibility of being crushed.

And lastly, there is great power in knowing how to walk alone. My friend juggled between relationships because he was not content with himself as he was. Two people are complete as two whole people. It would make no sense to be able to only give half of yourself to another person. A real relationship consists of two people who are equal in depth and and whole in their manner.

Its all about waiting for that right person to come along, instead of adjusting relationships in with a particular intent in mind. Dating is for little kids. Adults build relationships.

So i pray that as time goes on, my friend will eventailly find that special someone, and well,   I hope I do too

spiritually exposed

Posted by sophia - - 0 comments

I have come to a fork in the road on my walk in faith. 


After being saved for over a year, its shocked me how much I really haven't been living my life as a disciple to its fullest potential. 

In the start of my time being saved, laid it all down. I let myself be completely anew. I wanted to have everything that I say and do be a reflection of Christ. I figured, it would be easy, "just do what is right". The problem with that was, I made everything relative to what I felt was right. ***

I basically took advantage of the fact that I am saved, to choose when and when not to be a Christian. Satan's whole purpose is to divert faithful people away from God, and its sad how easy people ( including myself), has let that become. 

Not only was this degenerating to my relationship with Christ, but it only made me look lesser a Christian to anyone else, and made me lose opportunities to show people what being a Christian really is. 


So.as far as those two paths go,  I'm "taking the road less traveled". Much of our society does the same thing I do. Follow a relative faith and live within the confinements of psudeo-Christianity. People look at sins in a hierarchal manner. Seeing some sins, not as bad as others, to make themselfs feel better. For example : people say that a white lie is not as big as a big lie. But who comes up with the way to wager what makes a lie worse than another. In the Bible, a lie is a lie no matter what. Secondly, sin is de-synthesized as they increase in frequency. I fell into the typical trap where I felt like, if everyone else was doing it, and they were "fine", then I'll be ok too...  Just because everyone is doing a wrong, doesnt make it right. This is the kind of idea that white Americans used to justify Jim Crow laws. There was nothing in the Bible that allowed them to have any right to do what they did, but because everyone else did it.... get the picture?

This does NOT mean that I will not make mistakes along the road.

This DOES mean, that when I do ( I know I will), I will humbly accept them and absorb the lesson, as opposed to just gliding over it as I have in the past. I felt like, if whatever I do only affects me, then it doesnt matter. This was without seeing, that every action I do or dont do, affects someone else directly and/or indirectly. And each action or inaction is a reflection of my character/faith..


I dont really regret anything. After all, it was 19 years of alot of downs to bring me to Christ initially, so I really think this is a step closer.  I cant say that my writing this makes anything I did right, but, i apologize for any hurt feelings

Im taking every step to  be what I do, and to do what I need  to uphold my profession as a Christian. 

with progessing faith
Sophia



***Now, just to clarify, I am not at all religious. I have a faithful relationship with God and I want to live my life to be more like Jesus as described in the Bible. There is a difference. 

rhymes with hero

Posted by sophia - - 4 comments

As a society,
We forfeit our power to the authorized heroes
Pay our respects to their checks by adding zeros
To puff up their pockets and gloat in their egos
the id likes to fib and send destruction with a crossbow
Took one to the chest from the redneck: that was a death blow

They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for the Negro.

Streets governed by the monopolized status quo
No room for the college educated man with an afro
Restrict the market. Control the outflow
Silently wishing that the clinching will make the competition out grown.
Rebuke the conspirator. Label him a psycho
Ruin his name, slander his game, then label him a sideshow.
Taking advantage of the ignorance to increase the cash flow
Self proclaimed to publicly acclaimed. Merciful to shallow

They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for the Negro

His role model's Hitler and his best man was Castro
Learned from the best on how to manipulate the people so
No one can dispute or inquire on the info
Passed a number, put in line, sent home to the ghetto
Waiting to be saved but the promises were a no show
They grind to compensate, but are chased down by the po po

They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for the Negro.

Progress found its match when it took a step off the plateau.
The greats collect their tears to wash off their limos
The owners of the banks use the cash to stuff their pillows
Get a man stuck on crack so he can buff shine the windows

They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for the Negro

Stifle the mind. Hold em back with a lasso
Deep rooted corruption down. Down to the marrow.
Unanswered cries like a broken winged sparrow
Its like a bottle neck towards success with the  range being narrow
Niggas balance all they have with each deal on a kilo
Reaping the benefits from everything between the babies and the widows

They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for a Negro.

Knock out the playgrounds. So where can the kids go?
Can't go to school when all the teachers are out on furlough
Money went to supply a no cause war with ammo
Whiplashing to the wars in the streets on the down low
Making martyrs out of hustlers, lst Lady is his prime hoe.
Can,t really blame them when this is the life they have always known.

They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for a Negro.

The intellectually alert left to stand solo
in the muck: a bi-product in which the pseudo kings wallow
These thoughts may really be too much to swallow
The truth is a large pill, but fulfillment will soon follow
Open up your mind let the enlightenment get its airflow

Put on your cape Negro
Be your own hero.