@sophiacamille

Hello... it's me again.

The previous post was the beginning of a deep period of my life.
Growing older.. watching everyone pair with others to grow older with...
I just wanted to have someone to love.. and be loved.
As relationships started spawning on my news feed and my friends start breaking off in pairs
I felt like the shy girl in middle school that didn't get picked to slow dance at winter formal

This image inked into my mind as my friends' relationships became engagements and marriages
I quickly grew paranoid.
I just wanted somebody.. just anybody to just be with me.
Slowly, I watched as my standards, my self respect, my values drift out my hands
Love became less mental and emotional, and more physical.
I settled for the worst.
I spent a year and a half just trying to make someone else happy.
My joy was all relative.
I felt like if I could just keep on just a little longer, I just might win.
I kept fighting against the reality. I grew weak in the hands of my depression.
Stuck in the corner of the ring I trapped myself with out a bell to ring in mercy.
But real love is no competition and I was too infatuated to care.
I just wanted something to hold on to, and I was holding on for my dear life.
My selfish emotions were my noose and my days were numbered in dollars signs
I was giving him everything I had just to be with me.
The more I tried to buy my way into love, the more I was shut out the the deceit and lies
Until everything went black.
And I was all there was.
I was alone. Right back where I started.
I have spent the last two years wanting to love someone and I forgot that I need to love myself.
Ive spent so much time living for someone else that I abandoned my spirit.

For the last month, I reintroduced myself to my soul.
she is lovely. She is proud. She is sensitive. She is powerful. She is wise. She is weak.
She is faithful. She is strong. She is woman. And I am in love with her. She is my best friend.
Spending time with myself has been so rewarding. I literally forgot the feeling of calmness
of just being to yourself. I abandoned myself for almost two years because I was afraid of being alone
when I could have been here for myself all along. This time alone is letting me gain a better understanding about what I would really want.
If I don't know what I want, how could anyone else know? I devalued myself so much to just want to have someone around,
now I need to take the time to know how I want to be treated, by respecting myself enough to
give me what I know I deserve.

The other part of my journey is forgiveness. I am neither mad or sad about any of my experiences during that time.
I have forgiven those who took advantage of me and forgiven myself for letting it happen.
Moreover, I apologized for the ones who genuinely cared and I let go.


With all that I am so thankful for this new step in clarity and depth in my life. I'm going to get back to Sophia now. She needs me ...Thanks for listening