@sophiacamille

Hello... it's me again.

The previous post was the beginning of a deep period of my life.
Growing older.. watching everyone pair with others to grow older with...
I just wanted to have someone to love.. and be loved.
As relationships started spawning on my news feed and my friends start breaking off in pairs
I felt like the shy girl in middle school that didn't get picked to slow dance at winter formal

This image inked into my mind as my friends' relationships became engagements and marriages
I quickly grew paranoid.
I just wanted somebody.. just anybody to just be with me.
Slowly, I watched as my standards, my self respect, my values drift out my hands
Love became less mental and emotional, and more physical.
I settled for the worst.
I spent a year and a half just trying to make someone else happy.
My joy was all relative.
I felt like if I could just keep on just a little longer, I just might win.
I kept fighting against the reality. I grew weak in the hands of my depression.
Stuck in the corner of the ring I trapped myself with out a bell to ring in mercy.
But real love is no competition and I was too infatuated to care.
I just wanted something to hold on to, and I was holding on for my dear life.
My selfish emotions were my noose and my days were numbered in dollars signs
I was giving him everything I had just to be with me.
The more I tried to buy my way into love, the more I was shut out the the deceit and lies
Until everything went black.
And I was all there was.
I was alone. Right back where I started.
I have spent the last two years wanting to love someone and I forgot that I need to love myself.
Ive spent so much time living for someone else that I abandoned my spirit.

For the last month, I reintroduced myself to my soul.
she is lovely. She is proud. She is sensitive. She is powerful. She is wise. She is weak.
She is faithful. She is strong. She is woman. And I am in love with her. She is my best friend.
Spending time with myself has been so rewarding. I literally forgot the feeling of calmness
of just being to yourself. I abandoned myself for almost two years because I was afraid of being alone
when I could have been here for myself all along. This time alone is letting me gain a better understanding about what I would really want.
If I don't know what I want, how could anyone else know? I devalued myself so much to just want to have someone around,
now I need to take the time to know how I want to be treated, by respecting myself enough to
give me what I know I deserve.

The other part of my journey is forgiveness. I am neither mad or sad about any of my experiences during that time.
I have forgiven those who took advantage of me and forgiven myself for letting it happen.
Moreover, I apologized for the ones who genuinely cared and I let go.


With all that I am so thankful for this new step in clarity and depth in my life. I'm going to get back to Sophia now. She needs me ...Thanks for listening

In search for the answer
In search for the key
It's more than a want, its a need for me to analyze and make sense of this....

In this greed I hastily try to pick up all the pieces of what's left of me
Save myself from the regrets that has prevented me from
Opening my passion
Like open heart surgery I gave you all I could
put it all on the table til I flat lined into this agony
Purely ironic 
 I should have known all along
As I watched all my truths bleed out before me
Dripping out with these sycapated lessons learned
Leaving a bloody trail to the murky pool of emotions I wade in.

These thoughts hang above my head like some omnious cloud
Shrewed as I try to shelter myself behind crude words
Crowding myself behind a facade to mask the hurt
But the rain keeps pouring on
and on , and on for days
Eroding the land beneath me,
Soaking it until I feel like I'm sinking
So my immediate reaction is to run away

5 miles
8.04 Kiliometers
26400 Feet
316800 Inches
10000 Steps
I still can't get you out my mind

I try and I try but I cant grap the next phase ahead without a whiplash
As the strings of my past hold me steadfast
Staring into your eyes
Thinking about that final kiss goodnight
Wanting to hold you tight
Wishing I could just push rewind and pretend that this isnt real
But the wheels cant move fast enough

They say memories help pass the time

But, It has been 8 nights.
192 hours
11520 minutes
691200 seconds
And I still want you here

How many more sleepless nights
How many more lonesome cries
Maybe this is all a lie and I'm blinded by a fog of regret.
Maybe because this truth is too large of a pill to accept.
This path before me is lined with shards of fear.
And I wish that you can lift me and take me "there"
With "there" being wherever you are.
I miss you, I want you, but I dont need this.

This cyclical motion of regret is grinding away at my patience as
I wait for you to understand that the

54 Gallons
432 Pints
6912 ounces of gas I spent to see you this past month "just because" was not in vain.
I just wanted to be near you
Knowing that at the end of the day at least one of your smiles was attributed by my affection
But somehow we shifted directions and  with each painful advance I hope that maybe these unanswered prayers will draw a conclusion
Perhaps this is all an illusion and this haze ahead of me will become reflective of more clarity
Maybe this is just a rarity
A one time occurance that will soon pass because
I feel like being ignorant to the situation
Imagining this is a breach to my reality and it shall not last.
But my guise can't remain its soldarity as we continue to cross paths

In search for the answer
In search for the key
It's more than a want, its a need for me to analyze and make sense of this.
But I guess I have to move on from this romantic postulate.  

Lately I have been hearing things like:  "we haven't seen you in a while", "haven't heard from you in a while","what have you been up to." 

Dating, is a complex and intricately designed form of courtship with very specific expectations by both parties, with hyper elusive guidelines and boundaries. 

A while ago there was  a twitter craze about a new zodiac sign, and it sparked some curiousity. I investigated and discovered that I fall under the new 13th sign : Ophiuchus. I find it to be fate as he first three letters are apart of the root of my name "soph", which translates to "wisdom". Here are some more traits I found

I'll be your guitar, I'll let you play my heart strings
Wind me up, to tone me down
so you can make my soul sing

Your hands bring a multitude of melodies
Leaving my body vulnerable so that you can envelope me
I hear the symphony swelling up inside of me
My cries resonates louder than a crack of lightening
Equally exciting as it is frightening
im so exposed yet so connected
so revealed, yet to protected,

My feelings cant help but be projected, so I scream.
Never new bliss like this existed outside of dreams.
View is so foggy from the steam
So we close our eyes to be driven by the passion.
Curiosity has got my obscurely yet securely fastened
on this roller coaster ride soaring tin the plethora of possibilities
Uncharted lands unfathomed galaxies

Until i snap back to reality when I hear your voice thunder
your grip gets tighter as I grow weaker
Your carried me to the submit and the mountain looks steeper
So you dive deeper
But not before I'm brought to my hands and knees
the feeling is so great that i plead
And I'm not sure if this is a blessing or a curse
And if both, which is first
because the climax approached and it felt so good it hurt
But the exhale conquered the tension, and we were at a tranquil state of ease
I let your eyes caress me until i drifted off to sleep ..




I'll be your guitar, Ill let you play my heart strings
Wind me up, to tone me down
so you can make my soul sing

Just a thought... 

Its a unbalanced subject, that is clothed in terminology with two total different meanings, but are somehow used interchangeably.

To me, black consciousness is more of "cultural awareness". Meaning, knowing your roots, expressing your culture and sharing it with others. Black pride, if used in its polar view, can practically be synonymous with "racism". Its evoking a sense of pride in saying that one culture is better and more affluent.

I feel like it is important to know who you are to have a sense and a purpose behind your goals. I equally feel like it is important to be very proud of these things as well.

The "n" word, to me lies on this balance beam. Some people use the term freely as they feel that it lies within the parameters of "dialect", in a more of a "black pride" view. Others, on the black consciousness view, may see the "n" word, as something no one should use, given the basis of its origins.

Is either side right?

The conflict between the usage of this term has made the black pride vs black consciousness dispute even more polar sided. Its interesting to see how one term can divide a man against man... WHAT'S THE SCENARIO!?


just a thought,
@sophiacamille

On my way home I realized something: the moon is a perfect symbol of my life .



I have a lot of things that have taken a toll on me withing my lifetime thus far, however, as the moon still stands whole with its multitude of craters, I too still remain in my entirety, well rounded no matter how much things have changed. All of the experiences I have had, have shaped me into the unique person I am. I just revolve in my own orbital living in sync with my own necessities and clearly aware how my actions affect my self and others.

The moon shines greater than any star in the sky. Its larger and more recognized as the stars are just fiery balls waiting to implode on themselves. I am finding this comparison reflective of the relationship i have with some people in my life now. I never make a conscious effort to outshine or outdo others for the sake of selfish self gratification, but my accomplishments of just helping others, and embracing the gift of humility that comes from it, has allowed me to not have to work so hard to be noticed. People notice me for what I do, not who I am. People who focus more on who they are, normally get really heated and worn out and eventually give up on whatever it was they were attempting to recognized for.

This doesn't mean that I am not proud of my accomplishments. I have no problem of saying so. I really am happy for all that i have done, but I am more happy knowing that my accomplishments have helped more people than just myself.

So as I am venturing on for the rest of my senior year, I am proud to move on in my process to become a member of a service sorority of like minded girls who care about maintaining a life time commitment of  helping others, and have a sense of pride in doing so.  We all have been shaped and uniquely unified into one well rounded unit, and like the moon, outshine the self centered individuals who wish they had a heart like ours.


just a thought,
@sophiacamille

If we all ask this question a little more, I can assure your thoughts will be more collected and your mind more rested. We often spend a lot of time spinning a movie reel in our minds of past occurrences, trying to make sense of the feelings that developed within the situation and trying to decipher the thoughts another person or others involved had. But how can we honestly move on from a situation, when we are busy thinking about what happened within it at a non-relevant time? How can we really forgive a person, if we devised our own assumptions on their unrevealed thoughts. 


We spend entirely too much trying to make sense of the things that are unknown.


For the things we really cant figure out, we apply a sense of fear. "Fear of the unknown" sounds very cliche but it is very true. We hold grudges and get defensive over things that are beyond our control or really dont need to be controlled in the first place. Our lives are an every changing kaleidescope of experiences, but the one thing that make them easier to live with is recognizing patterns and applying them. 


Our lives are entirely shaped by patterns that are learned and discovered though an array of different experiences. Most of the patterns we discover are intentional, repetitious, and can be willingly recreated. For example: talking, walking, writing, etc. These are all examples of things we have learned how to do through practice and experience and they have helped us to adapt to different things like holding a conversation and running. Each action has its own respective purpose. We learn to walk so we can run. We learn to talk so we can learn to relate. But what do we do about bad experiences?




The common thing to do when in a bad situation, is to just "forget about it".  Not to say that anything that causes stress should be avoided, however, why go through something and not identify its purpose?


Seeing purpose in the results of bad situations,relationships, and experiences,has let me see the character ive gained and the lessons learned. 


 Observing purpose in all I do has let me move past a bad situation knowing that, no matter how much I may think I lost, I gained a unique experience that can be used to relate to someone else. I gained character, and I gained a lesson learned. It makes a huge difference to keep your mind sharpened in this particular way so that when you reflect on the past bad relationships you have, your thoughts will be more oriented among positive and progressive thoughts. 


So in conclusion, if you want to better understand people, start to evaluate them by their purpose. People have played a roll in your life whether it was good or bad. It has shaped you in some way. If you cant think of a way that they have benefited you and you dont think you can gain any type of knowledge from the situation or person... move on.




Its really just that simple 




and just because, here is some robin thicke

He said he is going to love me

Three years ago, I would have heard this song and not cared due to not having a means to relate to it
One year ago, I would have been crying my eyes out at just hearing its melody.
Two months ago, I would have loathed the thoughts that came to mind as I reminisced though its words
But now.. I feel like I this song reflects the view as I look at my life from the greener grass on the other side.

I used to twirl in the "what could be's" and the "what if's" like obsessing over old news was going to somehow make a difference.
The instrumentals of this piece weave a fabric of passion that is equally aggressive as it has an upbeat tempo, but soft as it has the muted brass and the strings in the counter melody., illustrating the fervor and its counterpart of affection. The bass and the drums setting the pace... symbolizing the inevitable passing of time progressing to something and gaining further substance with each step.... And the electric and acoustic guitar along with the piano unfolding the running solo of the piece showing how two unique feelings can blend into unison.....

The words of the song are a mere reflection of my heart now. It is in effect equal, but opposite. I am the same person to the extent of my superficial personality, but my heart has changed. My core has changed. Its been totally washed clean with the love of Christ. I don't see sadness or despair, I see my journey... away from the issues that kept me so grounded in a non productive way, and towards something much farther, and much higher... I recognize how those things that affected me in my past only paved my way to where I stand now...


I cant tell you how great the view is

Im really annoyed.

So used to have this bad habit. I used to feel like I had to be in a relationship. I felt like there was some type of value in being "attached" to someone. I went through life generally unnoticed until college. I craved attention for so long, and when I got, I made the "want" become a "need".

Everytime I dated someone or got interested in someone, things fell through for whatever reason.  You think after a while I would have got the picture....

I kept doing the same thing, and expecting different results. I was dating in denial...

I learned more about relationships when I took the step to intentionally be single. During my fast, my eyes and heart opened to alot of new perspectives on dating.

Here is a scenario where my altered perception was put in action.

One week, I receive a phone call from a good friend. He tells me he met a girl at a party two weeks ago and he felt like they had a good connection. He asked her out to dinner to get to know her better. By the end of the date, he felt like they had an even better connection. They continued to do things together for the next week and a half, and thus, my friend began to pursue her , assuming that day they were starting to date. And by that next wednesday, my friend tells me, the girl said she would rather just hang out with him as a friend and does not feel the connection....

The next week thursday, this same friend says that he emails another girl he has been very close to a love note. He admitted to having a keen interest in her for quite sometime, and wanted to know if she felt the same way.  The very next day, he contacts me in a somber voice and basically says that the girl feels the same way as the last girl did. In defense and in attempt to convince her otherwise, he told her of all the things he did to show her love and appreciation and how much more he wanted to be there for her. He told me he was  "upset but not hurt".

The problem with both of these situations is the thing that makes most dating situations fall apart before they even begin. Thinking that there is some sort of signal or action flare that can go up to alert someone of a potential relationship is the BIGGEST lie we all have bought into, are buying into, or will, if you havent allready.  There has to be a foundation: true friendship.  A relationship is an intimate friendship, so it seems pretty backwards to have a relationship, then try and get to know each other later.

The second problem is having a predetermined intentions to gain a particular response of, in this case, to cater to his self interest. My friend felt like, but doing certain things, not only will he get to know the person better, but he's good deeds will add up to "brownie points", therefore, making some sort of tangible value to why that person should have interest. But, to be frank, no one can MAKE someone gain interest in another person. My friend said he even gave her money for her car note and phone bill.,,,, And the letter was to symbolize how serious he was about his feelings. Before the letter, she interpreted the actions my friend made towards her as a display of friendship, because that is what he said it was and they had a mutual understanding. He sends her this letter, and suddenly expects her to change her mind  when nothing has really changed between them... He felt like a letter would change it all. That only works in the movies.

The third big hit, is being hurt by rejection. I dealt with it before. And it was rough the first time, and I vowed never to let it happen again. It doesnt make me cold or heartless, but sensible. When you emotionally expose yourself, your are susceptible to a positive or negative response which have a equal likelihood. So its really just about accepting whatever happens. So when he said he was upset, but not hurt... i called his bluff. Him being upset showed it stirred him emotionally and being hurt showed that he internalized a negative reaction. Had he just accepted it as a simple outcome, it would sever the possibility of being crushed.

And lastly, there is great power in knowing how to walk alone. My friend juggled between relationships because he was not content with himself as he was. Two people are complete as two whole people. It would make no sense to be able to only give half of yourself to another person. A real relationship consists of two people who are equal in depth and and whole in their manner.

Its all about waiting for that right person to come along, instead of adjusting relationships in with a particular intent in mind. Dating is for little kids. Adults build relationships.

So i pray that as time goes on, my friend will eventailly find that special someone, and well,   I hope I do too

I have come to a fork in the road on my walk in faith. 

As a society,
We forfeit our power to the authorized heroes
Pay our respects to their checks by adding zeros
To puff up their pockets and gloat in their egos
the id likes to fib and send destruction with a crossbow
Took one to the chest from the redneck: that was a death blow

They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for the Negro.

Streets governed by the monopolized status quo
No room for the college educated man with an afro
Restrict the market. Control the outflow
Silently wishing that the clinching will make the competition out grown.
Rebuke the conspirator. Label him a psycho
Ruin his name, slander his game, then label him a sideshow.
Taking advantage of the ignorance to increase the cash flow
Self proclaimed to publicly acclaimed. Merciful to shallow

They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for the Negro

His role model's Hitler and his best man was Castro
Learned from the best on how to manipulate the people so
No one can dispute or inquire on the info
Passed a number, put in line, sent home to the ghetto
Waiting to be saved but the promises were a no show
They grind to compensate, but are chased down by the po po

They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for the Negro.

Progress found its match when it took a step off the plateau.
The greats collect their tears to wash off their limos
The owners of the banks use the cash to stuff their pillows
Get a man stuck on crack so he can buff shine the windows

They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for the Negro

Stifle the mind. Hold em back with a lasso
Deep rooted corruption down. Down to the marrow.
Unanswered cries like a broken winged sparrow
Its like a bottle neck towards success with the  range being narrow
Niggas balance all they have with each deal on a kilo
Reaping the benefits from everything between the babies and the widows

They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for a Negro.

Knock out the playgrounds. So where can the kids go?
Can't go to school when all the teachers are out on furlough
Money went to supply a no cause war with ammo
Whiplashing to the wars in the streets on the down low
Making martyrs out of hustlers, lst Lady is his prime hoe.
Can,t really blame them when this is the life they have always known.

They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for a Negro.

The intellectually alert left to stand solo
in the muck: a bi-product in which the pseudo kings wallow
These thoughts may really be too much to swallow
The truth is a large pill, but fulfillment will soon follow
Open up your mind let the enlightenment get its airflow

Put on your cape Negro
Be your own hero.

just for laughs

WHACK RAPPER

he's a whack rapper, booty tapper , fame chasing thug
he's a mean muggin, back stabbin, poser faced bum
hustled to his death
left to lay in the corner
lights were flashing so bright
left him blind now its over

he rhymed about the green
ryhmed about the fashion
didnt care about anything unless it made money and left his greed securely fastened
had a about 3 million to go around to conver up his wrongs
and other 5 mil. for someone else to write his songs
that he lipsyncs on stage and the girls throw their thongs

he used to be in the game with his boys
but sold his boys for the game
he figured that friendship was worth nothing comapred to the dollar signs and fame
unaware that hes still of the same flesh and nothings really changed
swears he's invincible
unaware that he's vain

he cant stunt but he sure can front
from the burbs but tell the world hes from the hood
says he wants the kids to be safe but wont inspire them with any good
tells them to put their guns up and shoot as many as they could
knowing he never held a gun and prolly never would

it was all over before it even began
he liked the girls with the glitter lashes plump lips and the spray tans
he wanted them with the ones with the wigs or look like their from distant lands
he wanted them on their knees and knowing how to use their hands
mouth not used to talk but blow as hard as they can

and those girls were fast
tried as hard as they can to catch his attention
not for his affection but just to add to their collection
tally up all the famed up nigggas they had blastin
unaware that with every persuit they were pushing their dignity towards its casket
but he kept them all waiting like all their eggs in a basket

things went away as quick as it came
like a deer in headlights in a rush hour traffic
the greed hit him so hard he didnt see what happened
but it happens when the passions lost from the sound
eventually put back in the place where you were found
the money was a bitter sweet chaser to his flask of wrongs
left the die in the hands of the ignorant that bumped his songs

he's a whack rapper, booty tapper , fame chasing thug
he's a mean muggin, back stabbin, poser faced bum
hustled to his death
left to lay in the corner
lights were flashing so bright
left him blind now its over


5 STaR CHiCk

i see you poser girl
trying to be the poster girl
i hope you open your eyes and one day see the world
is not wrapped around your yaki store bought curls

she was tore up from the toe up
but she swore she was down
the had on enough bling to light about five whole towns
enough makeup to cover the faces of over ten clowns


she swore her her 6 month old synthetic hair was still rockin
but it was knockin
enough knots to hit like a sock with some rocks in it
she had the reputation at the fast girl and there was no stopin it
as long as there were poor souls still chasin it
shed keep running through the ish till she tripped with ther face in it

she wears her pants like tights
and her tights like skin
so the camel toe shows and her pelvic line grins
that the ratchet mess she looks like should seriously be a sin


nails look like rakes with a french polish design
ask her how many piercings she has, she side she stoped keeping track past nine
and the placement of them would be something for the seeker to find
personally i'd suggest you to forget it and lie
say something like im cripple and blind



she saw image on tv so she thought it was cool
nikki minaj was a maraje of the fatale that she vibed to
first name baribe
last name trick
twitter name something something bad b*tch
middle name on facebook changed every week and described the same thing
got the same name made out on her four finger ring

she awed over the hustlers
praised the whack rappers
didnt care if her five mintues of fame was just for them to tap her
praying that the pregnancy test say positie postive right after
so she can see him in court and live happily ever after

i see you poser girl
trying to be the poster girl
i hope you open your eyes and see the world
is not wrapped around your store bought curls






I have to dedicate this post to a very good friend, Angele Karen. We have had some really awesome conversations about current urban culture and they have definitely sparked the inspiration for what was described here.

And, yes, I know these poems are not exactly the regular language of my poetry, but its fun to shake things up a little bit. :) hope you enjoyed it!

">NOW CLICK HERE! .... LISTEN AND VIBE

When the going gets tough it only gets tougher


Day Two

All I can say is, Satan, you are hilarious. Really.

The drama he threw at me was ridiculous. I woke up to drama went to sleep with more drama. But the difference between today and the time before the fast is, that today, I provided the reaction I wanted to give, not the one they expected.

I also thought it was funny that right as I state I don't want to date, I get five messages from some guys who do. If you are that guy or were thinking about being that guy, please understand the answer is no. I was just really shocked how these guys know about what I am now trying to do with my life and they are trying to maneuver their way into my spiritual path. A man should be spiritually motivating, not distracting. And I need to stay spiritually focused and avoid deviating.


Day Three

I need to really focus on LETTING GO.

I am a huge person of pattern. When I recognize a pattern, I observe it, evaluate it and store it as a later point of reference. Which is as equally a good thing as it is a bad thing. It limits my ability for open observation, therefore restricting my views. Its pretty much creating a whole lot of multi situated prejudices. I really have to focus on isolating what those things are and really praying them out of my mind and clear my soul.

Prelude

So after the amount of anger that I had stored up inside in reference to the previous post in regards to my expirience and some people that I know, I have decided to go on a fast with frind of mine.

We took an entire semester to study the book of Hosea, which explains the cons of "idol worshiping" as well as what means. We realized as the main idol in our life is: dating.

I love being in relationships, I love the feeling of having someone there. However, I don't like that I am still so broken from the past, I dont like seeing my friends broken about their present dating situations, and I really dont like having to worry about the future of my love life.

I made a choice to anymore a long time ago. There is only one person I know that can fill that spot in my heart, and I want to keep it as clean and pure as I can.


Me and my friend created some fasting braclets that we will wear for an entire month. This will be our daily reminder that we need to keep focused on God. Everytime we deviate our focus awayfrom God to thinking about bad relationships, we read a Bible verse, write it down along with some of our thoughts and say a prayer. Eventually the number should dwindle to zero by the end of this fasting.


So please readers, if you could provide your prayers during this time it would be much apprieciated.



Day 1

Its now 7:39PM. I have had 7 "moments". My biggest source is that my friends are all going through some relationship problems, which makes me reflect on my past, and I want to get past that. Those things were responsibile for 5 of the "moments". The other two,were some long stemmed drama notes of my own.

But during my prayer time, God said it was time to remove this stone. He reminded me that I was looking for a stong man to depend on in my life, and I have been so selfish to forget. My father. My father really is the best man in my world. I want to have a man in my life that reminds me of my father,and I know that there is one who can.

He his smart,poised, confident, respectful... a true gentleman. He treats my mother as a queen, he is always there for his family, sacrifices for us, makes sure he knows we are loved.


My father notices when there is something wrong with his daugthers, and has noticed something was going on without me saying a word. He provided the intervention I needed, bringing clarity to the situation.


I could type on forever about all of this, but in the end.... I have seen some guys come into my life and seen some guys come into my friends life. THey are all not perfect. But there is always a perfect match. No one, man or woman should settle for less. You know you are in love when you can accepta person for all they are and are not, however, there is no reason that you should try and mold them into what you think is "ideal".

I have the habit of trying to set aside what is reality to try and frame what is my fantasy in my head, to make this person the "perfect match" when they are in actuality , very far from it. There is no legit reason for me to want to persue a relationship with a person like that. period.

but as for the "perfect match".... :)

Thanks for reading