@sophiacamille

When the going gets tough it only gets tougher


Day Two

All I can say is, Satan, you are hilarious. Really.

The drama he threw at me was ridiculous. I woke up to drama went to sleep with more drama. But the difference between today and the time before the fast is, that today, I provided the reaction I wanted to give, not the one they expected.

I also thought it was funny that right as I state I don't want to date, I get five messages from some guys who do. If you are that guy or were thinking about being that guy, please understand the answer is no. I was just really shocked how these guys know about what I am now trying to do with my life and they are trying to maneuver their way into my spiritual path. A man should be spiritually motivating, not distracting. And I need to stay spiritually focused and avoid deviating.


Day Three

I need to really focus on LETTING GO.

I am a huge person of pattern. When I recognize a pattern, I observe it, evaluate it and store it as a later point of reference. Which is as equally a good thing as it is a bad thing. It limits my ability for open observation, therefore restricting my views. Its pretty much creating a whole lot of multi situated prejudices. I really have to focus on isolating what those things are and really praying them out of my mind and clear my soul.

Prelude

So after the amount of anger that I had stored up inside in reference to the previous post in regards to my expirience and some people that I know, I have decided to go on a fast with frind of mine.

We took an entire semester to study the book of Hosea, which explains the cons of "idol worshiping" as well as what means. We realized as the main idol in our life is: dating.

I love being in relationships, I love the feeling of having someone there. However, I don't like that I am still so broken from the past, I dont like seeing my friends broken about their present dating situations, and I really dont like having to worry about the future of my love life.

I made a choice to anymore a long time ago. There is only one person I know that can fill that spot in my heart, and I want to keep it as clean and pure as I can.


Me and my friend created some fasting braclets that we will wear for an entire month. This will be our daily reminder that we need to keep focused on God. Everytime we deviate our focus awayfrom God to thinking about bad relationships, we read a Bible verse, write it down along with some of our thoughts and say a prayer. Eventually the number should dwindle to zero by the end of this fasting.


So please readers, if you could provide your prayers during this time it would be much apprieciated.



Day 1

Its now 7:39PM. I have had 7 "moments". My biggest source is that my friends are all going through some relationship problems, which makes me reflect on my past, and I want to get past that. Those things were responsibile for 5 of the "moments". The other two,were some long stemmed drama notes of my own.

But during my prayer time, God said it was time to remove this stone. He reminded me that I was looking for a stong man to depend on in my life, and I have been so selfish to forget. My father. My father really is the best man in my world. I want to have a man in my life that reminds me of my father,and I know that there is one who can.

He his smart,poised, confident, respectful... a true gentleman. He treats my mother as a queen, he is always there for his family, sacrifices for us, makes sure he knows we are loved.


My father notices when there is something wrong with his daugthers, and has noticed something was going on without me saying a word. He provided the intervention I needed, bringing clarity to the situation.


I could type on forever about all of this, but in the end.... I have seen some guys come into my life and seen some guys come into my friends life. THey are all not perfect. But there is always a perfect match. No one, man or woman should settle for less. You know you are in love when you can accepta person for all they are and are not, however, there is no reason that you should try and mold them into what you think is "ideal".

I have the habit of trying to set aside what is reality to try and frame what is my fantasy in my head, to make this person the "perfect match" when they are in actuality , very far from it. There is no legit reason for me to want to persue a relationship with a person like that. period.

but as for the "perfect match".... :)

Thanks for reading

Here is an old spoken words joint, put in writing for  special friend to hopefully have a wakeup call

love you


Three years. Three years in an aweful long time to know somone relative to my age. Three years is between one sixth and one seventh of my lifetime. Three years as my friend. And you think after three yeears of having someone lie to you, you would eventually walk away. No. Unfortunatley after three years, you seek further attachment while there really is no reason to hold on. And the lies, those three years of lies, have piled up to the point where I dont even know what is real anymore. And after three years, it hurts more each second. Three years of being picked up and smacked down. Three years of being cursed at. Three years of being used. Three years of being pushed to limits that I didn't know existed. Three years of swallowing my pride so that the other's will trample over me. Three years of  being "the other option"

And what is funny is watching their reaction. When I confront him about these lies (three years of lies) he gets defensive, he gets rash, and uncontrolled. Unaware of the pletora of things I know. Unaware of everything he thinks I have no clue about. Look out fool, secret is out the bag.


But, to a small extent, I take this as a compliment. You play around with the other girls and come right back, ( eventually) as you know that I am really the best woman that has or will cross your path and if you dont keep your act together ( or rather, your lies in wraps) ill be another memory of your past that you will spend your whol future trying to replace

Well, I'm done with the race. Man, you're just too "fast".

Today starts a new life time with out this headache, without this heartbreak,without  these tears. I dont know how or if I will ever love again. Or live withot the fear atttached to it, but alas, I am free from the shackles of this undeserving person who is now my past.

I have alot of friends and associates who continue their life with a lack of direction. I know its a harsh things to say, but really what is so surmountable and grand about getting mindlessly drunk and or high every weekend. What positive life skills does that enforce? How will this help someone else? How is this not immature?


They all use the same means of justification: You're only young once, so why not get 'all this out my system'.

It's so stupid. They all thrive and strive for these short periods of gratification from drugs, alcohol, even bad relationships. They are all worthless. The misuse and abuse of these things over time, creates a dependency. As it seemingly forms a value system in their life, you see them compare themselves to their next high and their next level of drunkenness or the next dude/girl. Their 'need' for their wants creates a disoriented matrix, so that the basic humanistic things they really need ( esteem, real love...) become a dream and a distant unrecognizable phenomenon.

I used to be that person. I wanted to party and be cool be seen. Unaware that I was conversely shacked by my lifestyle that was soon to be degenerable. There was no uniformity, nothing was ever consistent. My happiness was totally relative to the next group I could be cool with. The next party. The next scene. Constantly wanting a quick fix of fun to cling on to, just to keep my afloat and distract myself from my brokenness. Unaware as this mechanism for 'fun' degenerates, they will too.

I feel bad for my friends who are still wrapped in this cycle. Especially my fellow women. More times than none, if they are going to a party, and have this sort of fun I speak of, its not just about the self gratification, its to gratify some other dude.

But this whole excuse of doing things like this while we are young is limiting the future. Things that start well, usually end well. So why limit your success? We are adults. Why wait until something bad happens to start owning up to it? We are not invincible...

This past weekend, a young woman at my college passed due to drunk driving. It breaks my heart that she had to die from something so preventable.

I am not saying that we cannot have fun. But why not do something that has an everlasting value? Why make your happiness relative?

What can be simultaneously multidimensional and known as one word?
Equally dangerous as it is soothing?
How can it be so universally known and signify a story of its own?
What force makes all emotions sewn in a kaleidoscope of passion?
What is an experiences un-unique to all?
What glistens with humility?
What are the strongest means of communication to express my emotions
They are able to say what my words can never tell
Sink the heart to its depths of affection
And bring the mind to the climax of the respective sensations...



…Tears
 
 
I am not afraid to cry. When I cry, my heart and mind are liberated. Tears have been apart of our lives from the time we took our very first breath out of the womb. So why be ashamed?  I dont apprieciate people telling others not to cry about their emotions... especially when it is the most naturally humanistic way of doing so...
 
That's like telling someone not to live.
 
 
Tune in and vibe out
 
 
 

This blog entry was supposed to be this grand "tell it all" of everything that has been on my mind this week. I began to write it and had a bout of "deja vu", so I paced back some entrys and saw that everything that I am feeling wierd about now, I somewhat went through previously between September and December. And I am not trying to be repetitive. I mean, they are not entirley the same situations, in fact, some far from it. However, that nawing sense of uncertainty that plauged my attidude on life is back.

I have a problem for taking things as they are. I like to ensure sucess with things by surrounding situations with all the postive reinforcement I can. I realized, somethings are inevitable. Alot of situations are blossoming, while others are somewhat crashing (thats a light description), and its hard to say what the outcome will be. I feel like I cant handle any more dissappointment, but there is really no way of preventing whatever way these situations fall.

Im finding my tolerance intolerable. Im getting pretty tired of compensating the things I need for the things others want.

so before this becomes a rant

peace

another poetic freestyle of the mind and soul inspired by...






I once sat down when the sun was bright and the sky was blue
and I told myself should write a poem about you.

I was having trouble describing the beauty of your eyes to its deserved perfection
with the intensity of lighting that proceeds the deepest of thunders
How they say everything without you saying a word
How one look seems to spark all my nerves
and unwind my thoughts to end me sailing to cloud 9
with one wink

Writing a poem like this is not as easy as one may think
I had difficulty describing your lips
which are soft like velvet
smooth like silk
and when they touch mine

I melt
while the substance of me glides into your indescribable hands
who's feel has housed arousing travels into distant lands of
twin mountain peeks
a wet abyss
and rained a raging fire
and if I were to travel higher
I would find a marvelous tower
that deserves a poem of its own

But really your hands...
fit so perfectly along each and every one of my curves
Im not so sure if its a blessing of a curse for your feel to feel this great
for my yearnings and desires to be ignited with such passion with one gentle stroke across my cheek
leaving me motionless and unable to speak

I love your laugh...
and to contextually paint its picture
it would take a lifetime and a half to illustrate the happiness that protrudes through its every rise and fall
the bliss of your laugh
kisses my ears and brings the kind of joy that makes angels sing.
Yes your laugh is a glimpse of heaven.

And when the gates open
I am acquainted by your kiss
there is nothing more deservedly indescribable as this
your kiss makes all still
I forget about the past
unaware of the present
and I mentally glide through the anticipation of each second your mouth dances with mine in the future
I cant think of a phrase to give light to the way your kiss lifts my heart to a state of tranquil ease as it
lays soundly in the comforts of your soul

yes...,

I want to write the most beautiful poem for you
but I only know there are only three words that will do and have timelessly stood true

I love you.