So used to have this bad habit. I used to feel like I had to be in a relationship. I felt like there was some type of value in being "attached" to someone. I went through life generally unnoticed until college. I craved attention for so long, and when I got, I made the "want" become a "need".
Everytime I dated someone or got interested in someone, things fell through for whatever reason. You think after a while I would have got the picture....
I kept doing the same thing, and expecting different results. I was dating in denial...
I learned more about relationships when I took the step to intentionally be single. During my fast, my eyes and heart opened to alot of new perspectives on dating.
Here is a scenario where my altered perception was put in action.
One week, I receive a phone call from a good friend. He tells me he met a girl at a party two weeks ago and he felt like they had a good connection. He asked her out to dinner to get to know her better. By the end of the date, he felt like they had an even better connection. They continued to do things together for the next week and a half, and thus, my friend began to pursue her , assuming that day they were starting to date. And by that next wednesday, my friend tells me, the girl said she would rather just hang out with him as a friend and does not feel the connection....
The next week thursday, this same friend says that he emails another girl he has been very close to a love note. He admitted to having a keen interest in her for quite sometime, and wanted to know if she felt the same way. The very next day, he contacts me in a somber voice and basically says that the girl feels the same way as the last girl did. In defense and in attempt to convince her otherwise, he told her of all the things he did to show her love and appreciation and how much more he wanted to be there for her. He told me he was "upset but not hurt".
The problem with both of these situations is the thing that makes most dating situations fall apart before they even begin. Thinking that there is some sort of signal or action flare that can go up to alert someone of a potential relationship is the BIGGEST lie we all have bought into, are buying into, or will, if you havent allready. There has to be a foundation: true friendship. A relationship is an intimate friendship, so it seems pretty backwards to have a relationship, then try and get to know each other later.
The second problem is having a predetermined intentions to gain a particular response of, in this case, to cater to his self interest. My friend felt like, but doing certain things, not only will he get to know the person better, but he's good deeds will add up to "brownie points", therefore, making some sort of tangible value to why that person should have interest. But, to be frank, no one can MAKE someone gain interest in another person. My friend said he even gave her money for her car note and phone bill.,,,, And the letter was to symbolize how serious he was about his feelings. Before the letter, she interpreted the actions my friend made towards her as a display of friendship, because that is what he said it was and they had a mutual understanding. He sends her this letter, and suddenly expects her to change her mind when nothing has really changed between them... He felt like a letter would change it all. That only works in the movies.
The third big hit, is being hurt by rejection. I dealt with it before. And it was rough the first time, and I vowed never to let it happen again. It doesnt make me cold or heartless, but sensible. When you emotionally expose yourself, your are susceptible to a positive or negative response which have a equal likelihood. So its really just about accepting whatever happens. So when he said he was upset, but not hurt... i called his bluff. Him being upset showed it stirred him emotionally and being hurt showed that he internalized a negative reaction. Had he just accepted it as a simple outcome, it would sever the possibility of being crushed.
And lastly, there is great power in knowing how to walk alone. My friend juggled between relationships because he was not content with himself as he was. Two people are complete as two whole people. It would make no sense to be able to only give half of yourself to another person. A real relationship consists of two people who are equal in depth and and whole in their manner.
Its all about waiting for that right person to come along, instead of adjusting relationships in with a particular intent in mind. Dating is for little kids. Adults build relationships.
So i pray that as time goes on, my friend will eventailly find that special someone, and well, I hope I do too
I have come to a fork in the road on my walk in faith.
As a society,
We forfeit our power to the authorized heroes
Pay our respects to their checks by adding zeros
To puff up their pockets and gloat in their egos
the id likes to fib and send destruction with a crossbow
Took one to the chest from the redneck: that was a death blow
They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for the Negro.
Streets governed by the monopolized status quo
No room for the college educated man with an afro
Restrict the market. Control the outflow
Silently wishing that the clinching will make the competition out grown.
Rebuke the conspirator. Label him a psycho
Ruin his name, slander his game, then label him a sideshow.
Taking advantage of the ignorance to increase the cash flow
Self proclaimed to publicly acclaimed. Merciful to shallow
They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for the Negro
His role model's Hitler and his best man was Castro
Learned from the best on how to manipulate the people so
No one can dispute or inquire on the info
Passed a number, put in line, sent home to the ghetto
Waiting to be saved but the promises were a no show
They grind to compensate, but are chased down by the po po
They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for the Negro.
Progress found its match when it took a step off the plateau.
The greats collect their tears to wash off their limos
The owners of the banks use the cash to stuff their pillows
Get a man stuck on crack so he can buff shine the windows
They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for the Negro
Stifle the mind. Hold em back with a lasso
Deep rooted corruption down. Down to the marrow.
Unanswered cries like a broken winged sparrow
Its like a bottle neck towards success with the range being narrow
Niggas balance all they have with each deal on a kilo
Reaping the benefits from everything between the babies and the widows
They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for a Negro.
Knock out the playgrounds. So where can the kids go?
Can't go to school when all the teachers are out on furlough
Money went to supply a no cause war with ammo
Whiplashing to the wars in the streets on the down low
Making martyrs out of hustlers, lst Lady is his prime hoe.
Can,t really blame them when this is the life they have always known.
They're making hell on earth like there's no heaven for a Negro.
The intellectually alert left to stand solo
in the muck: a bi-product in which the pseudo kings wallow
These thoughts may really be too much to swallow
The truth is a large pill, but fulfillment will soon follow
Open up your mind let the enlightenment get its airflow
Put on your cape Negro
Be your own hero.
just for laughs
WHACK RAPPER
he's a whack rapper, booty tapper , fame chasing thug
he's a mean muggin, back stabbin, poser faced bum
hustled to his death
left to lay in the corner
lights were flashing so bright
left him blind now its over
he rhymed about the green
ryhmed about the fashion
didnt care about anything unless it made money and left his greed securely fastened
had a about 3 million to go around to conver up his wrongs
and other 5 mil. for someone else to write his songs
that he lipsyncs on stage and the girls throw their thongs
he used to be in the game with his boys
but sold his boys for the game
he figured that friendship was worth nothing comapred to the dollar signs and fame
unaware that hes still of the same flesh and nothings really changed
swears he's invincible
unaware that he's vain
he cant stunt but he sure can front
from the burbs but tell the world hes from the hood
says he wants the kids to be safe but wont inspire them with any good
tells them to put their guns up and shoot as many as they could
knowing he never held a gun and prolly never would
it was all over before it even began
he liked the girls with the glitter lashes plump lips and the spray tans
he wanted them with the ones with the wigs or look like their from distant lands
he wanted them on their knees and knowing how to use their hands
mouth not used to talk but blow as hard as they can
and those girls were fast
tried as hard as they can to catch his attention
not for his affection but just to add to their collection
tally up all the famed up nigggas they had blastin
unaware that with every persuit they were pushing their dignity towards its casket
but he kept them all waiting like all their eggs in a basket
things went away as quick as it came
like a deer in headlights in a rush hour traffic
the greed hit him so hard he didnt see what happened
but it happens when the passions lost from the sound
eventually put back in the place where you were found
the money was a bitter sweet chaser to his flask of wrongs
left the die in the hands of the ignorant that bumped his songs
he's a whack rapper, booty tapper , fame chasing thug
he's a mean muggin, back stabbin, poser faced bum
hustled to his death
left to lay in the corner
lights were flashing so bright
left him blind now its over
5 STaR CHiCk
i see you poser girl
trying to be the poster girl
i hope you open your eyes and one day see the world
is not wrapped around your yaki store bought curls
she was tore up from the toe up
but she swore she was down
the had on enough bling to light about five whole towns
enough makeup to cover the faces of over ten clowns
she swore her her 6 month old synthetic hair was still rockin
but it was knockin
enough knots to hit like a sock with some rocks in it
she had the reputation at the fast girl and there was no stopin it
as long as there were poor souls still chasin it
shed keep running through the ish till she tripped with ther face in it
she wears her pants like tights
and her tights like skin
so the camel toe shows and her pelvic line grins
that the ratchet mess she looks like should seriously be a sin
nails look like rakes with a french polish design
ask her how many piercings she has, she side she stoped keeping track past nine
and the placement of them would be something for the seeker to find
personally i'd suggest you to forget it and lie
say something like im cripple and blind
she saw image on tv so she thought it was cool
nikki minaj was a maraje of the fatale that she vibed to
first name baribe
last name trick
twitter name something something bad b*tch
middle name on facebook changed every week and described the same thing
got the same name made out on her four finger ring
she awed over the hustlers
praised the whack rappers
didnt care if her five mintues of fame was just for them to tap her
praying that the pregnancy test say positie postive right after
so she can see him in court and live happily ever after
i see you poser girl
trying to be the poster girl
i hope you open your eyes and see the world
is not wrapped around your store bought curls
I have to dedicate this post to a very good friend, Angele Karen. We have had some really awesome conversations about current urban culture and they have definitely sparked the inspiration for what was described here.
And, yes, I know these poems are not exactly the regular language of my poetry, but its fun to shake things up a little bit. :) hope you enjoyed it!
">NOW CLICK HERE! .... LISTEN AND VIBE
When the going gets tough it only gets tougher
Day Two
All I can say is, Satan, you are hilarious. Really.
The drama he threw at me was ridiculous. I woke up to drama went to sleep with more drama. But the difference between today and the time before the fast is, that today, I provided the reaction I wanted to give, not the one they expected.
I also thought it was funny that right as I state I don't want to date, I get five messages from some guys who do. If you are that guy or were thinking about being that guy, please understand the answer is no. I was just really shocked how these guys know about what I am now trying to do with my life and they are trying to maneuver their way into my spiritual path. A man should be spiritually motivating, not distracting. And I need to stay spiritually focused and avoid deviating.
Day Three
I need to really focus on LETTING GO.
I am a huge person of pattern. When I recognize a pattern, I observe it, evaluate it and store it as a later point of reference. Which is as equally a good thing as it is a bad thing. It limits my ability for open observation, therefore restricting my views. Its pretty much creating a whole lot of multi situated prejudices. I really have to focus on isolating what those things are and really praying them out of my mind and clear my soul.
Prelude
So after the amount of anger that I had stored up inside in reference to the previous post in regards to my expirience and some people that I know, I have decided to go on a fast with frind of mine.
We took an entire semester to study the book of Hosea, which explains the cons of "idol worshiping" as well as what means. We realized as the main idol in our life is: dating.
I love being in relationships, I love the feeling of having someone there. However, I don't like that I am still so broken from the past, I dont like seeing my friends broken about their present dating situations, and I really dont like having to worry about the future of my love life.
I made a choice to anymore a long time ago. There is only one person I know that can fill that spot in my heart, and I want to keep it as clean and pure as I can.
Me and my friend created some fasting braclets that we will wear for an entire month. This will be our daily reminder that we need to keep focused on God. Everytime we deviate our focus awayfrom God to thinking about bad relationships, we read a Bible verse, write it down along with some of our thoughts and say a prayer. Eventually the number should dwindle to zero by the end of this fasting.
So please readers, if you could provide your prayers during this time it would be much apprieciated.
Day 1
Its now 7:39PM. I have had 7 "moments". My biggest source is that my friends are all going through some relationship problems, which makes me reflect on my past, and I want to get past that. Those things were responsibile for 5 of the "moments". The other two,were some long stemmed drama notes of my own.
But during my prayer time, God said it was time to remove this stone. He reminded me that I was looking for a stong man to depend on in my life, and I have been so selfish to forget. My father. My father really is the best man in my world. I want to have a man in my life that reminds me of my father,and I know that there is one who can.
He his smart,poised, confident, respectful... a true gentleman. He treats my mother as a queen, he is always there for his family, sacrifices for us, makes sure he knows we are loved.
My father notices when there is something wrong with his daugthers, and has noticed something was going on without me saying a word. He provided the intervention I needed, bringing clarity to the situation.
I could type on forever about all of this, but in the end.... I have seen some guys come into my life and seen some guys come into my friends life. THey are all not perfect. But there is always a perfect match. No one, man or woman should settle for less. You know you are in love when you can accepta person for all they are and are not, however, there is no reason that you should try and mold them into what you think is "ideal".
I have the habit of trying to set aside what is reality to try and frame what is my fantasy in my head, to make this person the "perfect match" when they are in actuality , very far from it. There is no legit reason for me to want to persue a relationship with a person like that. period.
but as for the "perfect match".... :)
Thanks for reading
Here is an old spoken words joint, put in writing for special friend to hopefully have a wakeup call
love you
Three years. Three years in an aweful long time to know somone relative to my age. Three years is between one sixth and one seventh of my lifetime. Three years as my friend. And you think after three yeears of having someone lie to you, you would eventually walk away. No. Unfortunatley after three years, you seek further attachment while there really is no reason to hold on. And the lies, those three years of lies, have piled up to the point where I dont even know what is real anymore. And after three years, it hurts more each second. Three years of being picked up and smacked down. Three years of being cursed at. Three years of being used. Three years of being pushed to limits that I didn't know existed. Three years of swallowing my pride so that the other's will trample over me. Three years of being "the other option"
And what is funny is watching their reaction. When I confront him about these lies (three years of lies) he gets defensive, he gets rash, and uncontrolled. Unaware of the pletora of things I know. Unaware of everything he thinks I have no clue about. Look out fool, secret is out the bag.
But, to a small extent, I take this as a compliment. You play around with the other girls and come right back, ( eventually) as you know that I am really the best woman that has or will cross your path and if you dont keep your act together ( or rather, your lies in wraps) ill be another memory of your past that you will spend your whol future trying to replace
Well, I'm done with the race. Man, you're just too "fast".
Today starts a new life time with out this headache, without this heartbreak,without these tears. I dont know how or if I will ever love again. Or live withot the fear atttached to it, but alas, I am free from the shackles of this undeserving person who is now my past.