In search for the answer
In search for the key
It's more than a want, its a need for me to analyze and make sense of this....
In this greed I hastily try to pick up all the pieces of what's left of me
Save myself from the regrets that has prevented me from
Opening my passion
Like open heart surgery I gave you all I could
put it all on the table til I flat lined into this agony
Purely ironic
I should have known all along
As I watched all my truths bleed out before me
Dripping out with these sycapated lessons learned
Leaving a bloody trail to the murky pool of emotions I wade in.
These thoughts hang above my head like some omnious cloud
Shrewed as I try to shelter myself behind crude words
Crowding myself behind a facade to mask the hurt
But the rain keeps pouring on
and on , and on for days
Eroding the land beneath me,
Soaking it until I feel like I'm sinking
So my immediate reaction is to run away
5 miles
8.04 Kiliometers
26400 Feet
316800 Inches
10000 Steps
I still can't get you out my mind
I try and I try but I cant grap the next phase ahead without a whiplash
As the strings of my past hold me steadfast
Staring into your eyes
Thinking about that final kiss goodnight
Wanting to hold you tight
Wishing I could just push rewind and pretend that this isnt real
But the wheels cant move fast enough
They say memories help pass the time
But, It has been 8 nights.
192 hours
11520 minutes
691200 seconds
And I still want you here
How many more sleepless nights
How many more lonesome cries
Maybe this is all a lie and I'm blinded by a fog of regret.
Maybe because this truth is too large of a pill to accept.
This path before me is lined with shards of fear.
And I wish that you can lift me and take me "there"
With "there" being wherever you are.
I miss you, I want you, but I dont need this.
This cyclical motion of regret is grinding away at my patience as
I wait for you to understand that the
54 Gallons
432 Pints
6912 ounces of gas I spent to see you this past month "just because" was not in vain.
I just wanted to be near you
Knowing that at the end of the day at least one of your smiles was attributed by my affection
But somehow we shifted directions and with each painful advance I hope that maybe these unanswered prayers will draw a conclusion
Perhaps this is all an illusion and this haze ahead of me will become reflective of more clarity
Maybe this is just a rarity
A one time occurance that will soon pass because
I feel like being ignorant to the situation
Imagining this is a breach to my reality and it shall not last.
But my guise can't remain its soldarity as we continue to cross paths
In search for the answer
In search for the key
It's more than a want, its a need for me to analyze and make sense of this.
But I guess I have to move on from this romantic postulate.
Lately I have been hearing things like: "we haven't seen you in a while", "haven't heard from you in a while","what have you been up to."
I've "been up to" a lot. I have been seriously making moves to start making all the things of my college experience move towards my career goal : to create a non profit organization.
Barely over a month into this semester I chartered an organization on campus, and have 6 events in 5 weeks to (co)host. Also, I have been making major connections to use the contacts I have made in my personal en devours to use in the academic setting, then relating back the experiences from using them at different events to gage what works and what I would like to draw from all of this to apply later.
So I haven't been in the immediate eye,but I have been making alot of things come together, and my actions are speaking more than my words can say. The events and the people that will be in attendance because of my work, will speak for itself.
My large goal that I made this year was to get closer to God, and walk stronger in my faith. I went through a deep fasting period last year ( see previous posts), and I feel like though all the intense reading, reflecting, and praying, that I wanted to be more vocal about my faith. Not just by talking about my faith more openly, but letting my faith show through my good works as the Bible calls us to do.
Whats funny, there are always those people who feel the need to try and shoot someone down when they have something good going for them. They are often people who have a bad history with a person that they feel the need to still hang on to. Their way of rationalizing their past mistakes, is to knock down any progressive or positive thing they do from that point forward, and feel the need to attribute that to some sort of bad perception of the past conflict. They are the kind of people who usually spend all day complaining about society, make tweets or facebook statuses that have a mediocre profound meaning usually surrounding a subject matter they know little or are too scatter brained to piece in a whole, but have nothing to really show as a tangible example or validation for these amazing proverbs the preach on. These people are known as HATERS.
I really have to say, I love them. I really do. They provide an inverse affect to my motivation. The more I hear from HATERS, the more inspired I hear. The more things they complain about, the more things I know I'm doing right, and the less things I see them doing at all.
So , I thank you.
-sophiacamille
Dating, is a complex and intricately designed form of courtship with very specific expectations by both parties, with hyper elusive guidelines and boundaries.
Some religions and beliefs have made the courtship system have specific steps in an orderly process to make things somewhat uniform. Somewhat, providing a more defined grasp of that haphazard walk on the the thin lines of shared emotions.
Modern society has moved away from the traditionalist courtship theologies, and has sided more so on along the side of "self", everyone one chooses which best suits them. Its good, because more of the couples who are happy, are genuinely happy, rather than just content.
I agree, everyone should be genuinely happy with whom ever it is they decide to be with. I feel like dating is a mechanism driven to help narrow down the choices and help define who it is who should be "the one". But i dont think its fair to date around.
Unfortunately, modern dating has made people date more in terms of "quantity". I feel like the more people a person dates, the more people the next girl/guy has to be compared to. Its a scrutinizing, and unfair balance.
I understand, if you touch a red burner on the stove once, you learn its hot, and thats it. No one needs to remind you of that. However, with the elusiveness of dating already predetermined, its hard to useless to use the the "if this, then that" method of comparison.
I can see where someone is coming from where they "don't want to make the same mistakes twice" or "go through 'that' again", but, how can anyone be really sure? No two people are the same, its understandable to evaluate things this way in terms of the physical world, but its almost ignorant to evaluate emotions in the same manner.
I feel like if you cant openly date someone with out comparing them to someone of your past, you're probably not over them.
The whole "quantity" thing.. I feel like expectations for dating have gone lower.I feel like my peers expect less from dating, so they don't put in as much effort or value it as much. I cant say I haven't feel into that hole before.. it wasnt fun. I appreiciate a man that really likes to get to know me for me, and like me for all I am and all im not, and value me as a singular person, and not so much by comparison.
Example:
One person I dated recently, I feel may be a victim of this. Everything I said or did, had an alternative question. For example, if I said something like "I'm tired, I'm going to go to bed", his response would be " Oh, so you don't wanna talk to me then?". Or a better example " I need to call *insert male friends name here*" his response was "Oh, so that's your new boo?" -__- really?
Its like he felt like everything I said, or did had an alternative motive other than the simplicity of the situation right in front of him. It makes me feel like, he attached general things I said, to specific moments of his past. I feel like comparing people to others of ones past, makes simple things like this more complicated. Leaving two people to be less engaged and cohesive, therefore limiting the depth of the relationship, if it even gets that far. It really stunts the potential for growth because the other person already subconsciously limits the extent of how far the courtship can go by comparing it to something that was non-effective.
Dating is so much more fun and exciting when you get to appreciate everything that person is, for YOU. Your ex, is your ex for a reason. Get over it, and move on.
thanks
-me
A while ago there was a twitter craze about a new zodiac sign, and it sparked some curiousity. I investigated and discovered that I fall under the new 13th sign : Ophiuchus. I find it to be fate as he first three letters are apart of the root of my name "soph", which translates to "wisdom". Here are some more traits I found
LIST OF KEY WORDS DESCRIBING THE SIGN OF OPHIUCHUS
- interpreter of dreams, vivid premonitions,
- attracts good luck and fruitful blessings,
- serpent holder, lofty ideals,
- a seeker of peace and harmony,
- doctor of medicine or science, natural-pathic,
- adds, increases, joins, or gathers together
- poetical, inventive nature, expanding qualities,
- seeks higher education and wisdom,
- overseer, supervisor of work,
- fame - either grand, or completely misunderstood,
- longevity, aspirations of healing the ills of man,
- architect, builder, reaches for the stars, figuratively and literally,
- tax assessor, or levys taxes,
- astrological talents, intuitive,
- large family indicated, but apt to be separated from them when young,
- the number twelve holds great significance,
- foresight and good fortune to benefit from hard times,
- has secret enemies in family or close associations,
- many jealous of this subject,
- notable father, apple of father's eye when young,
- high position in life expected [depending on aspects] highest fame and legend comes after death
- feelings of granular, wise, genius mentality,
- likes to wear clothing of vibrant colors, and plaids in particular,
- receives the favor of those in authority.
I really like my new sign. And it explains a lot
#thatisall. #subtweet
I'll be your guitar, I'll let you play my heart strings
Wind me up, to tone me down
so you can make my soul sing
Your hands bring a multitude of melodies
Leaving my body vulnerable so that you can envelope me
I hear the symphony swelling up inside of me
My cries resonates louder than a crack of lightening
Equally exciting as it is frightening
im so exposed yet so connected
so revealed, yet to protected,
My feelings cant help but be projected, so I scream.
Never new bliss like this existed outside of dreams.
View is so foggy from the steam
So we close our eyes to be driven by the passion.
Curiosity has got my obscurely yet securely fastened
on this roller coaster ride soaring tin the plethora of possibilities
Uncharted lands unfathomed galaxies
Until i snap back to reality when I hear your voice thunder
your grip gets tighter as I grow weaker
Your carried me to the submit and the mountain looks steeper
So you dive deeper
But not before I'm brought to my hands and knees
the feeling is so great that i plead
And I'm not sure if this is a blessing or a curse
And if both, which is first
because the climax approached and it felt so good it hurt
But the exhale conquered the tension, and we were at a tranquil state of ease
I let your eyes caress me until i drifted off to sleep ..
I'll be your guitar, Ill let you play my heart strings
Wind me up, to tone me down
so you can make my soul sing
Just a thought...
The "mad black woman complex" irritates me. Its this socially accepted source of doubt that almost dehumanizes black men. In todays culture, if there is a problem, there is a black man to blame it on. Conversely, a woman should be a man's biggest supporter, backbone, and greatest source of encouragement. If black women were really the Christian following women as they generally claim to be, they would know this. (Check out Ephesians 5 ) This blame game has made black woman look victimized, and has provided one more thing to blame black men for. Its almost like a catch 22, society doesn't expect any good of them, no one supports them to do well, and so they lack the source of motivation to do otherwise. Take a look around, alot of successful black men, have a strong, supportive woman beside him. Recognizing this does not condone or excuse domestic foul-play on a mans part or womans part, but I do see a social correlation. With most of black men in America spending some sort of time in jail, where were the black woman, who were supporting them to not make those bad choices. Yes there are woman struggling to raise babies on their own, but where were the mothers that could help their sisters in their times of need instead of criticizing eachother, just adding fuel to the fire to raise men that dont know how to take care of their families.
So now that I have framed the gruesome picture of the negative trending relationship of the Black American male and female, lets relate that to a more specific issue.
When did it become ok for a MAN to hyper- inflate this issue and market off of the "mad black woman" anger?
Tyler Perry has created a film empire from marketing to angry black women. I think its great to identify a womans stuggle, however, where are the films that touch on the accomplishments in the black community? If someone would spend half of the effort used to create some sort of media source that highlighted black accomplishments, I feel like there would be an even further sense of pride and accomplishment for our people. Making movies about mad black women, is just buying in to what the old Jim Crows wanted. They wanted minorities to feel so low, that they hated themselves.
I think as black woman, we have a responsibility of uplifting our men and we need to not be so quick to add money in the pockets of a man who claims to fully grasp a womans story. I feel like I would feel more at ease to watch a Tyler Perry movie if he actually showed more of what the Black man's struggle is really about, rather than promoting this pretentious idea that black men are inherently bad and black women will inherently struggle. If we take charge to uplift ourselves, then I think the world will start to recognize our strengths as strengths of our own inspriation. The way black strength as a whole is characterized is that the strengths are more of a reaction to some sort of indirect/direct struggle. Im not saying that the struggles dont exist, but it discredits our own will power. If we invest in positivity for our own people, the would be more positive outcomes. Some struggles are more easily prevented by not giving them attention, but there always has to be some sort of alternative to replace whatever that is. For example, if we dont want to have our sons repeating the lyrics of popular rap songs, stop buying them, and stop letting little girls characterize themselves according to them, and provide something or encourage more alternative and holistic sources of entertainment....
We need to be proud of who we are, and its about time we start showing it .
just a thought,
@sophiacamille
Its a unbalanced subject, that is clothed in terminology with two total different meanings, but are somehow used interchangeably.
To me, black consciousness is more of "cultural awareness". Meaning, knowing your roots, expressing your culture and sharing it with others. Black pride, if used in its polar view, can practically be synonymous with "racism". Its evoking a sense of pride in saying that one culture is better and more affluent.
I feel like it is important to know who you are to have a sense and a purpose behind your goals. I equally feel like it is important to be very proud of these things as well.
The "n" word, to me lies on this balance beam. Some people use the term freely as they feel that it lies within the parameters of "dialect", in a more of a "black pride" view. Others, on the black consciousness view, may see the "n" word, as something no one should use, given the basis of its origins.
Is either side right?
The conflict between the usage of this term has made the black pride vs black consciousness dispute even more polar sided. Its interesting to see how one term can divide a man against man... WHAT'S THE SCENARIO!?
just a thought,
@sophiacamille